


letters to steve

by captainslarson



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Depression, M/M, eventual sambucky, god help me, i just realized that i'm writing a slowburn, i'm not trying to be an asshole by saying that, please don't read if you're going to get triggered, some mentions of suicide
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-08
Updated: 2020-02-04
Packaged: 2020-11-27 07:10:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 1,841
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20944355
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/captainslarson/pseuds/captainslarson
Summary: in which bucky takes his frustrations out on steve by writing letters





	1. #1

_" steve,_

_i don't know what to write. sam said that it was a good way to release my emotions so this is what i'm doing i guess. _

_i'm mad. mad at you. and i shouldn't be because you're entitled to happiness. you deserved to be happy. i just wanted you to be happy with me, i guess. i'm mad at myself for being mad at you leaving and going back to the 1940s and being with Peggy and getting the life you deserve. i guess i took " till the end of the line" to seriously._

_this is short because i'm this close to breaking the pen and i'd rather go hit a punching bag than explain to sam why there's in all over the table. that's gonna lead to another talk and i'm not in the mood . also sam says i should write these in parts._

_\- bucky._


	2. #2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> let me just say that this, this is my first time writing stuff like this and this feels like absolute TRASH and i wish i could write like half the people on this website but i can't and i'm sorry to those who are reading this.

_“ so i’m thinking about cutting my hair. it just - i don’t want to be associated with it anymore. everytime i look at it, i just remember everything i did and everything i’ve done and it’s time for a fresh new start._

_i’m still thinking about that._

_sam took me to coney island and it made me miss you. it made me miss how times used to be. all those times you were skinny and sick but still wanted to ride the rides even though i told your little punk ass not to , you did it anyways._

_i guess that’s why i fell in -_

_never mind._

_but we had fun. sam’s a good guy. he’s funny and he listens and he means well. he apologized a lot though when i told him that being here made me nostalgic. i can tell he didn’t mean to hurt me , he just wanted to make me happy i guess._

_we are hotdogs and he even won me a bear which was cool._

_you remember that time we were at my apartment and it started raining? that was one of the best times ever. you were laying on the floor, just drawing away and i was on the couch, reading a book. ma came home around 5 and we helped her cook. i don’t remember the soup we had but it was good and she made it again for your birthday._

_i wish i could go back to date. i wish i never left that night. i wish i had stayed. then maybe you would’ve stayed. i wish we never went to war. i miss it. i miss everything. i miss it and i wanna go back. i wanna come back."_

_• bucky._


	3. #3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi, it's the author. this chapter talks about suicide ( which is a very heavy subject) so this is your trigger warning. please don't read if you get triggered. i've added the suicide hotline if you start feeling suicidal and if you do feel suicidal please stop reading the story and come back to a later chapter.
> 
> suicide prevention hotline number : 1-800-273-8255

_"i remember being lonely. i remember staying up at night, not going to sleep because i would be reminded about all the people i killed, all the faces that pleaded with me to let them live and never did. i remember screaming into the night hours. i remember waking up in cold sweats. i was always moving, never staying in one place for more than a week. sometimes i stayed less than 4 days. sometimes i was in a place for the night. all i knew is that i had to keep moving because i knew people were looking for me. i knew you would be looking for me._

_that’s why i kept going. because you never gave up on me, steve. you never stopped looking for me or caring after me. i can hear you saying “it’s what you did for me, buck. why wouldn’t i do the same for you?” that scared me. you would go to the end of the earth just to find me and bring me back._

_i'm so angry. Why am Iialways angry? i'm always disappointed in myself for not doing better. i wish i did better. i wish i was better. i tried to do it, ya know? i tried to kill myself. it was a couple weeks before t'challa’s dad was murdered. i was sitting in the bathtub with the water running. i was going to drown myself. i wanted to forget everything. i wanted it all go away but i couldn’t do it and i could hear him laughing at me, telling me that i was weak and that he was better. i sat there and i cried, and cried._

_i was a mess, Steve. i still am. i don’t know why you had trust in me when i was a lost cause. Maybe one day i'll understand._

_i went to see sam the other day. i haven’t really seen him in weeks. he’s been busy with the whole being the new Captain America stuff. they’re giving him a hard time, wanting to take the shield away from. they don’t understand why you gave him the shield. i told him that i would punch the politicians if they said anything about him. he laughed at that and said he would keep that in mind._

_he asked me if i wanted to talk about anything and i told him that i had a lot on my mind but he wasn’t my therapist. he said, and i quote, “no but i am your friend and i'm here to listen.” i just told him that I would keep that in mind and he laughed again. I smiled._

_i want to say that i'm getting over you leaving but that takes time. i feel hurt. i feel like i wasn’t good enough for you to stay. we could’ve retired maybe, went traveling or something. maybe in another life. maybe you'd choose me next time."_

_\- bucky_


	4. #4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i know i said the chapters would be longers as it goes but this last week and this week have been hard for me and i'm trying to stay alive at the moment. i just wanna curl and sleep for days and i keep crying and having anxiety attacks. i don't know if i'll come back to this story. i'm sorry i feel like i've let y'all down. 
> 
> i hope you can understand.  
\- m

_"so it's been what....a week? maybe more ? since i've last written a letter. idk. i've lost track. it feels like i've lost track of everything._

_i've been forcing myself to do things lately. wake up when i want to sleep. eat some food, especially when i haven't eaten all day. call sam, even though i don't want to talk to him, i promised that i would call but it's all so hard right now._

_i just sit in this apartment and i stare at a wall._

_oh yeah, i got an apartment. did i tell you that? it's in brooklyn. it's pretty nice for a one bedroom , one bathroom apartment. it's spacious enough and it's got this huge window in the living room that i knew you would've loved. probably would've drawn it by now._

_it's nice to have something to myself for once. sam brought over several plants and i take care of them. it turns out i'm pretty good with plants. _

_i saw pepper and morgan the other day. i think that my biggest regret besides losing you is staring morgan in the face, knowing that i never got to apologize to tony for killing howard and maria. howard was my friend. he was your friend. and i killed him and maria. i couldn't even talk to pepper. i couldn't look her in the eye. i just left. it was so awkward and i'm so guilty._

_this is pretty sort. i'm sorry. i don't feel like writing. i'm trying steve. i'm trying to hold on. i need a reason i guess to continue._

_\- bucky "_


	5. hiiiii :)

it's been awhile since i've updated this so i'm here to tell y'all that i will be uploading the next chapter very soon and i'm also working on other fics for y'all !!! okay byeeeeee


	6. #5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the next letter that bucky writes to steve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay so i "lied" and wrote this up within like two hours but i really had to write this lmfao

_"never in my life have i been so mad. i’m pissed. angry. and i wanna choke the living hell out of ross and the stupid government._

_i can hear you now “ not even a hi, buck?” sorry bud but i need to rant._

_the other day, sam was practicing with the shield and i was helping him. ross and his monkeys pulled up, talking some big game about how sam doesn’t deserve the shield and he’s not worthy and they took it and now they’re gonna give it to some dumbass who thinks he’s you but he is. god , they picked the ugliest dude out of all the shield agents ._

_sam was so crestfallen. he went back into his room and he hasn’t been out except to get food and water which he does when i’m not home._

_we’ve had our differences in the past, but he should know that the shield doesn’t define who he is. from what i seen, sam is a good man. he’s someone who doesn’t give up. he’s worthy without that damn shield._

_i wanted to hit ross in his stupid, ugly fucking face. he drove away with a smile on his face and i was hot._

_if sam hadn’t been there, i would be in a prison right now._

_ross is a racist piece of shit. i hated him during the civil war and i hate him now._

_on good news,_

_the other day sam and i went on a date. of course i didn’t know it was a date until the middle of it. it hit me out of nowhere._

_he took me to coney island. we rode some rides there, he won a teddy bear from playing that ballon pop game and gave me the bear, we went into the fun house and then ......the ferris wheel._

_that’s when it hit me that this was a date. i had looked at him and he was so close like he was gonna kiss me and he smelled good too._

_i asked him if this was a date and he smiled, talking about “ its about time you realized that.”_

_and then we kissed. just straight up kissed. like sparks flying, fireworks, im getting butterflies just thinking about it._

_sam and i- well, let me start with this. i used to love you, steve. used to. but it’s been a year and sam’s been there for me. he’s patient with me, he’s understanding, and i think- i’m starting to like him more, more than friends._

_i’ve grown to accept that you loved peggy. that you wanted to be with her. it still hurts cause the whole “ i’m with you till the end of the line” sounds like bullshit now. but i understand, pal. i really do._

_i never thought i’d get this. i mean yeah, i envisioned having a home with a wife and loving kids but who says that i can’t have that with sam?_

_we have a home. it’s quiet. there’s a lake in the back, a big ole oak tree in the front. sam put a hammock up the other day and we go out there and just lay with each other. he’ll read a book and i’ll just lay there beside him, listening._

_has sam ever read to you? god, i wish you could hear. it’s very comforting to hear him read._

_we haven’t talked about what we are yet, ya know? but i’m holding on to this - this island of happiness and i think, after everything i’ve been through, i think i deserve this. for once i don’t feel worthless. i feel happy. i’m actually smiling. i feel free._

_i feel like i’m me again._

_\- bucky"_


End file.
